Witness, They Broke Me

Book of Ezekiel 16: 4-8

“On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised.

The I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, “Live!” I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew and developed and entered puberty. Your breasts had formed and your hair had grown, yet you were stark naked.

Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.”

I was born into a troubled home.

Parents fought all the time.

Mother always trembling and strangled by the desire to have a happy home and family and be loved unconditionally.

Father doing and selling drugs.

Brothers covering their ears and ignoring the screams of my mother as my father hit her.

My heart was pounding hard that day and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I jumped onto my feet and ran to the laundry room screaming at my father to stop.

I yelled at him.

First time I ever raised my voice, too.

His fist in the air over my mother.

Then I blinked and was back in the spot before I had jumped up.

My father’s steps heavy toward me.

I lifted my eyes to his deathly stare, “Don’t you ever do that again.”

I stayed silent then he left.

Days later, I am being spanked by my mother till her hand grew tired.

I don’t remember why.

Later in that small house, I was sexually abused for the first time.

Later as I grew, people around me used me and made fun of me for who I was.

As I got older, I just wanted to belong somewhere.

To feel less lonely.

Cousins made fun and judged me because I was a girl.

Called me spoiled because of my father’s dirty money.

My grandmother damned me when my father was taken to jail.

She cursed me and my brothers saying, “You’re father is in there because you are all greedy.”

Me knowing too well they all them—every single one took from him.

Staying there I was approached by an older man.

He liked me, but my mother and father noticed and kept me away.

I think…

It goes blank.

Then later as I got older, I grew into a woman.

My father absent most of my life.

But I wrote him letters every week.

I missed him.

He was the only person who understood my writing.

Who encouraged me.

Though I don’t exactly remember when that all started.

He told me to keep going.

So I did.

I have.

Then I turned fifteen and my mother confessed she had lost love for my father as a lover of hers has surfaced.

And my father was a month away from being released.

My heart dropped and she told me all the horrible things my father did to her.

She confided in me.

A young child.

With all these grown secrets.

All these things.

She believed I could keep her safe from the scolding of my family around us.

So I did.

I was her shield in every way.

I had always been.

Then she said to me and my brothers we were leaving.

And we did…

We moved across state.

I thought we were coming back like she said.

But then she decided no.

I couldn’t go back.

So I settled and kept my mouth shut.

I had to listen to her.

Then it was there….

It was… there…

There…

I was sexually assaulted and abused repeatedly.

After a while I convinced myself I was okay.

Like anybody would who couldn’t escape.

Then I took a moment to be brave and called her while she had left me home with… him.

I begged her ---Told her I wanted to go back home.

But she started crying and told me why did I want to leave her.

Did I want to treat her like everyone?

Leave her like they all do.

She begged me to stay and the sound of cries broke me.

So I stayed.

I stayed…

I stayed for her.

Knowing what was about to happen as I left the locked room.

I continued to be abused and …. Hurt.

I’ve never confessed this publicly, but I was ashamed for so long.

I thought I was beyond saving and condemned to these sins.

A young girl who didn’t know anybody but always adapted to survive.

That was me.

Now as a woman I refuse to stay silent.

I refuse to show my daughter fear.

The man that abused and hurt me was a relative.

I lied to everyone.

I said I was okay.

I wasn’t.

I just didn’t want to be hated.

I didn’t want to be shamed.

I didn’t want to be alone.

Especially because I was pregnant and afraid.

But that’s another story there.

Believe me.

I truly believed I was beyond saving.

But… But everything has changed.

But I know now I never was.

God saw me.

In my brokenness and held me.

In all my filth and blood—damages.

I thought every day, “I can’t go back to Him. He won’t love me the same. I know He won’t.”

But I have been humbled.

God loves all His children.

His daughters especially.

I was so vulnerable.

My brain always on survival mode.

I thought to myself… “I’ll never be okay. I’ll never be what I dream I could be. I am a victim and forever be this way. I am condemned.”

But after reading this passage and every passage that I’ve been reading.

God is saying something very clearly.

“The skeletons in your closet are not your shame to bear.

Share them with me.

I do not judge you for what others did to you or made you believe.

I know your heart.

And now… You know Me.”

“The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child.” –Ezekiel 18:20

This should not have… but it did.

Set…

me…

free

Because now I understand…

The beginning is never easy, but it does not mean It defines where your end will be.

This further proves what He has always said.

“Come to me in your brokenness.”

And I have.

God has leveled cities, sent angels, protected his children in the fire.

God is with us always.

Capable.

Loving.

Mercy.

Never did I anticipate sharing this with anybody.

Because my lips were sealed and I was afraid of being judged.

Thinking I bore the mark of the damned.

The damaged.

But no… I was just God’s daughter.

The one He loved in the beginning and will love throughout all this life.

Until the End.

I have a lot of fight left in me and I plan on seeing it through.

My purpose.

My dream.

My God’s reality.

I know He can count on me.

Because now… I know.

I am the daughter of God.