Witness, Be Strong and Do the Work
1st Chronicles 28:9-10
“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the LORD has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.”
As I opened the bible, I was feeling particularly hopeless for some reason.
My mind was in a set of unrest and intense doubt.
With my daughter in the hospital, my husband losing his job because he had to be with her in there for three weeks with a fever that wouldn’t break, and the bills piling up as I had less and less hours, things we’re feeling extra heavy.
And the last thing I needed was to be scolded by the LORD.
My mind as uneasy and I felt like I was being burdened and thinking again that dreaded, “Why me? God, you love me, please, why are you letting me hurt? Why this unrest? Why can’t I just let go—enjoy life? Why won’t those things happen for me?”
And after reading 1st chronicles, it settled uncomfortably within me.
My mind understood it as, “Angela, you won’t be able to enjoy the riches or your hard work and patience. You won’t be here to see and experience any of it.”
I slammed the bible shut and started crying.
The house was quiet.
My eldest had gone to school and my two youngest were wrapped in the warmth and comfort of slumber.
I cried heavily.
My heart broken.
“I knew it!” I sobbed. “It’s always me! I never get to have anything! I’ve given up my life to all of them—everyone of them, God! And they have hurt me—wronged me—used me and abused me! Why do they get all the glory—why not me?!”
My hands formed fists and after my bout of sobbing, I settled and did some deep work.
Only to have my husband call me later.
And as God would have it, say the words that would dispel everything.
He told me something that completely went over my head.
“You are David and Solomon, my love.”
“How does that even make sense, Jacob?”
“My love, you are looking at them as separate people.
And it could be as such, but let me say it this way, my love.
David went through so much and lived long enough to see the rise—the start of it being built.
The temple.
If you want to look at it in that way.
God still blesses him with riches and he lives in them, but he does have to deal with a lot, but in no way is God not taking care of him.
At the end, when he hands over the blueprints to Solomon, his son, God tells him peace will reign and you won’t need to worry.
Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted for our children?
I know it hurts you a bit.
The battles you have to fight.
Your hands ache from scraping the foundation together but you will be able to enjoy the life you dream of, my love.
But our children will also have that dream.
They won’t suffer from anxiety like you.
The loss of their parent at such a young age, like you.
They won’t live life limited as everyone has made you believe.
Angela, you are building something beautiful and worth more than you could ever imagine.
You will live the life you want but also be able to pass that blueprint on of how to live it for our kids.
From money management, to kindness, to raising them God-fearing.
Feeling Him close in their heart through all the tough times they will encounter in life—You’ll give them a peace—confidence knowing that God has got them always!
Isn’t that what you always wanted?”
I sobbed. “Yes, but I wanted to live a life like that!” I rubbed my eyes.
“Angela, you will!
David does live a good and long life to see the fruits of his labor, Angela.
Also, if you want to look at it like this.
David and Solomon are the same.
This version of you who is finding God.
Reading the bible, sticking to your goals and freeing yourself of the chains everyone placed on you, that’s the foundation.
Then once you are truly free, you will be Solomon.
Handing over the blueprints to be truly happy, my love.
Don’t you see?
Either way you look at it, God has and will give you the blessings you deserve.
Angela, you’ve been through so much—more than anyone I’ve ever known.
Your struggles are not without blessings. Angela, you got this.
My love, God gots you.”
So, as you can see.
God spoke to me through my husband this time.
God will always speak to us through who sees and will meet us exactly where we need to be met.
He always finds a way to tell us, “I see you. It is not in vain, my child. It never was or will be.”
This book practically shred my heart to bits but only because I was looking at it through the lens of someone who has always been told she doesn’t deserve anything and was never meant to win.
I’m not sorry anymore for breathing.
I’m not sorry anymore for existing.
I’m not sorry anymore for speaking up.
I’m not sorry for standing tall.
I’m not sorry for staring you back in the eye.
I’m not sorry for being alive.
I’m not sorry for wanting things and to live a life I’ve always dreamt of living.
All those people who have ever made me feel like I’m the bane of this world, I’m done.
I’m done with believing you.
Your words carry no weight over my heart.
My God is with me and I fear nothing.
So, I will get up every morning, read my bible, and continue to pursue my dreams.
My dream of being a New York Times Best Selling Author whose books will change the world one day.
Do I sound delusional?
Good.
