Witness, Come Closer
Psalm 51: 10-12
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
It’s frightening.
It was deathly scary.
The way I was every night.
Heart palpitations.
Crying.
Struggling with the constant thought of impending doom.
My feet couldn’t touch the ground, though I clearly saw them on there.
I couldn’t make sense of anything.
I felt like I was losing control.
My mind was spiraling and I felt like I was falling off the face of the earth.
I knew something was wrong when even after I woke up from sleep the feeling wouldn’t go away.
I kept gripping onto the sheets of the bed and pulling the blanket over me.
Curling into a ball and wondering what was going on.
Everyone I was speaking with kept telling me I was just overwhelmed.
But I shook my head and continued to say, “Something is wrong!”
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong.
Because ultimately something was wrong.
Not wrong in a sense but actually wrong in the way I had built myself.
You see, I pray for this generation.
Fast success.
Fast paced.
Fast everything.
Anxiety flourishes in that kind of environment.
My own son—the eldest— carries in him a dream as large as mine and seeing him grow has been a mirror.
I always encouraged him.
My husband stood firm in helping him tame the anger that could consume him.
And continues to do his duty as a father.
I am doing mine as his mother and nurturing him.
But I realize there are moments I was lost to my own self and neglected things I shouldn’t have.
Now he has anxiety and this fear of impending doom.
Like he’s behind or too late and just wants to get started on living his life.
After growing closer to the LORD and slowing myself, I noticed time has too slowed.
I thought the two weeks that passed was a month.
Nope.
It was two weeks.
Because I have been living in my moments rather than trying to hurry up and escape them.
I used to sleep so many hours in a day because of my anxiety.
Just thinking—convinced sleeping it away would make it vanish.
It didn’t.
Now… I live for the moment.
Hard or easy.
Scary and delightful.
Each moment makes us.
And as I’ve grown closer, I feel the pressure.
The panic.
The devil would not try to scare you this much if you weren’t called for something greater than yourself.
Something more.
Because sin is easy.
Breaking promises is way too easy.
Keeping them, however?
That’s hard.
But so worth it.
If you are growing closer to Father, then you should know it’s not gonna be easy at first because in you He must first break apart the walls the world has made you build up.
This happens so He can build you better.
Make you stronger and able to withstand the storms.
Keep your eye on Him.
The waves will not wither your stronghold.
Every negative thought—say No!
Your mind is a temple.
The sanctuary of the LORD.
Do not let evil invade.
Let it all go.
The darkness will fade.
Do not be afraid.
God has got you.
Always.
